A happy new year to all partners, friends and families; we hope you are all in good spirits after the Christmas/New year break, and are feeling refreshed and ready to start a new year.
The following article was written in August 2004 and received by the Persepctive's editor in September 2004, from Kathy Noble in Australia. As you may gather she found it frustrating that there was no one for the partner of a person with gender issues and, as is Kathy's style, she took control of the situation, as you will read in her article.
At first when I read this article. I was upset that we, the partners group of Agender, had not been contacted. After all we make sure the contact information is in the 'Persepctive' and it is also on the Agender website. After all, Australia is not far away with email.
I then realised that we assume that people who need us have also some access to emails and the internet, but they may not. There is still, postal mail but the main thing is "to have someone to talk to".
I forwarded Cathy's article to Caroline and Michelle for comment - both of who shared it with other people.
Michelle came back with the following (edited) comments -
"I love the article from Kathy. And she is right she would have a lot of knowledge to give us in a workshop. There are so many SO's that are too scared to step out and ask for help and/or don't know where to go for help. I know of a couple. We're wanting to help them,as we have been there we know what it is like, but they won't make the first step (or accept help). If the SO does not have a high confidence level then it is less likely that they are going to ask for help. Most likely they go into denial, "if I ignore it, it will go away!""
And something completely different from Caroline -
"The article has caused some uproar in this house. I showed it to a few friends to get their feedback and it definitely ruffled some feathers."
So with mixed feelings we publish this article - and would like to know what you think.
Due to certain circumstances that I have recently witnessed, I am forced to ask, "Where is the support for Partners?
We are currently talking about Transsexual Support and building a Group to cover this, but to my certain knowledge there is nothing for Partners. Don't forget Partners are suddenly confronted by our Transsexualism, they are literally thrown in at the deep end. We expect them to grasp in a few days or hours what has taken us many years to acknowledge. What's more, we expect, no demand support from them. This surely is wrong!
The pain and anguish for Partners is lost on the Transsexual, who in their exuberance to reach their goal forget about those around them. To further add to the grief, in most instances the relationship ends. Then what happens? The Transsexual starts bemoaning their fate because they have lost their Partner, maybe their job and home. They then have the temerity to say "No one understands me" Have they taken the time to think about helping their Partner understand and not just pushing it in their face in the rush to transition! Do they understand, or are they willing to understand just what their Partner is going through?
I have made contact with a Women's Health Clinic, but they know very little if anything about this situation. There is no one to counsel the Partner if female in an emergency, so they have to join a queue, which could mean 2 weeks or more before an appointment. Because of this situation at the clinic, I have been invited to talk to them as they say, "We need to learn about these problems"
As this is a concern for Women, I will approach the Minister for Women's Affairs in QLD. I met her at the Women's Forum that I attended. I feel a great need to have something put in place for these ladies, and most probably something similar is needed for Male Partners, where they find their partner is Transsexual.
Since my transition I feel empathy for Partners in this position. I have a tendency to lean towards the female as I am now one and accepted and integrated into the community. I will still stand up and be counted for Transsexual matters, but I feel we are deluding ourselves if we think we can get away with expecting our Partners to accept our change with open arms!
To Transsexuals I would say "Slow down and remember it is all new to your Partner. You have had years to come to terms with the situation, they also need time" I am disappointed and in some cases disgusted at the way we treat our Partners. We keep saying we are human beings like the rest of society, as are our Partners. So give them some thought, because they too need to be loved and understood as much, if not more so than we Transsexuals. We demand respect! I would say we have to earn it by respecting our Partners needs and fears.
Kathy Anne Noble 28/08/2004
Partners support starts in each of the affiliated groups, and if this group does not have a partners support group (usually one partner who is happy to be contacted if anyone needs help or someone to talk to) then there is the national email address for Agender, where there are 4 very willing and capable partners who can be contacted.
When searching on the internet I found plenty of partners (significant other) information avaliable some good, some excellent and some questionable. During this search I found other groups similar to Agender - in NZ and overseas; who also provide partners support - I am aiming to join some of those overseas, plus have emailed SO contact people and have had responses back from them. They are helpful, positive and encouraging; understanding your fears and anxieties.
The support is there - BUT do you know where it is or how to find it????
Not everyone has email or internet access. If you are not a member of an organisation like Agender you will not have access to a specialised library, or a magazine with contact details.
Then, taking the first step - sending an email or making a phone call, this can be terrifying. For eveyone out there reading this will know what I'm talking about, that first step in making contact with another person about you or your partners gender issues. Not easy, is it, and to all of you who have made that step - congratulations, well done.
Kathys story came to us in September of 2004 and as we had articles already, and it was a hard hitting story, we decided to print it in the February 05 edition. After all - this is a situation that although may no longer be relevant for the partner Kathy comforted, it may be valid for someone else going through the same senario.
With the Agender National Conference coming up at Queens Birthday weekend in June, I felt it appropriate in this issue to make a call out to spouses, partners, significant others, family and friends. The conference is not just for the transgendered/crossdressing individual but there are also sessions for the partners - to meet with others in the same situation as you. To know you are not alone, talking to other people who understand something of what you are going through is often of great benefit.
It is not a gripe session, but is somewhere to air your fears and concerns - someone may have been through this and has come out the other end - how did they do that? It may not suit you but then you may get that helpful piece of advice that will put it all together for you. What ever you decide for your relationship, you have to be true to yourself and your feelings, and its' your decision - it is not up to us to judge you and your motives. It is for us to support you in your quest for knowledge and understanding with the things that are happening around you and to make you feel ok.
At the conference you may think that you will be overwhelmed at seeing your partner or spouse, and others, 'dressed' for 2-3 days. After having been at 2 conferences now - I realise this happens. At the first conference I went to, I was overwhelmed and had to go for a couple of walks, alone. At the second conference I noticed others were also overwhelmed and because of this I will be there at the partners session and we will have organised (in Caroline's words) "Going out to a cafe, away from everything to have an impersonal chat (along the waterfront somewhere)"
I am making a call out to all SO's, partners, spouses, friends and family who want to come to the conference - don't be put off - do come and meet us; after all it is only once every 2 years for just 3 days. We aim to provide a forum for discussion and education about the challenges and feelings experienced by the spouses and partners. Even if you are unsure, knowledge gives you power to make good descisions. I have definitely benefited from the experience and hope it would help others as well.
The partners group is for partners ONLY, no matter how empathic a transgendered person is - it is the partners who really know what it is all about for other partners/spouses.
Please use the email address on the previous page OR Post Office Box 40-555, Upper Hutt, to let us know what you would like to see or do at the conference - and we will do our best to organise something for you.
Carolyn