Gender reassignment is a very brave and courageous thing to do. Deciding to change your gender questions everything about you - your life, your past, your relationships and even your future. It is a journey of self-discovery that at times will tax your reserves of strength but in return offers you an opportunity to know yourself with more intimacy and insight than you ever thought possible before. Always remember that you had the strength to start this process and therefore you have within yourself the strength to keep going, even if on a day to day basis that may not feel so certain.
Gender reassignment is the equivalent of replacing an old life with a new one. It is disruptive and can be immensely painful transition process as you work through who you are as a whole person. Choosing to question your gender and/or embarking on a process of change will certainly strain and may even disrupt, sometimes permanently your relationships with friends, family, work colleagues, partners and acquaintances. Some people will be immensely supportive, others will be less than enthusiastic and some may walk out of your life forever. While this can be extremely hard to deal with, it is vital that you treat all responses with respect, even if they have not done so to you. This way you can always be sure that you did all you could to maintain the relationship and that any contrary outcome was the other person's choice. It may be, that by leaving a door open, you have left a space for them to return once they have got over the shock and feel more comfortable.
Gender reassignment is a slow and difficult journey that requires patience and a healthy sense of the ridiculous. Keeping your sense of humour will get you through anything from the most daunting of situations all the way through to the truly weird. This is a journey with no guarantee of total success: many start the process but not all choose to finish. Along the way people make individual choices about whether or not they begin hormone treatment, whether they will have surgery and if they do, how much. All of these are journeys of transition - there is no one right way, only guidelines and advice: You need to find your own path and walk it.
In the beginning, gender transition will seem like it is your whole world. Over time as you make the change and begin to live in your new gender/ life this will change: it will still be an integral and important part but it will only be one of many. There will even come a time when most people in your life do not even know that you are transgendered, especially if you have moved and/ or changed your career. Everything you do now is part of building that future so try to be patient and kind to yourself - don't expect that you will get it right every time, don't insist on being perfect, don't ask too much of yourself… it only happens once - both the good and the bad - and you won't repeat it ever again. Take it easy and enjoy the process of becoming you.
Look after yourself
Trust your instincts: it is your journey, so listen to your heart and stay in control of your own journey. Don't be afraid to accept help and advice but equally don't let anyone else hijack your process. In the end you are the person who is changing gender so if something doesn't work for you then look for an alternative that does.
Maintain your sense of humour: because you will need it 24/7 for the rest of your life. Changing gender means that you will find yourself in situations that are almost too ludicrous to imagine - if you can laugh, they will be more bearable perhaps even genuinely funny. Humour helps keep things in perspective and being able to laugh at fear, awkward situations, rudeness or ignorance gives you more control and power in the situation. If you have a really bad day, try retelling it to yourself or a friend, as if you are a stand up comic - exaggerate the ridiculousness of it all, laugh at yourself and the situation and if that doesn't work kick something (inanimate).
Being transgendered is not the most important thing in your life: being yourself is. It is important to keep things in perspective and avoid neglecting the rest of you life. Of course changing gender is a huge step and at times it can feel all-consuming, but if you let it take over your life then you will lose touch will all the other important parts of yourself that gave you the strength and insight to start this process in the first place. If you let your life become empty now, it will still be empty once you are in your new gender.
Good things take time and gender reassignment is no exception: every individual is different and depending on your own personal makeup, age, health, cultural background etc, it will take varying amounts of time for the effects of your hormones to become noticeable. Practice patience and celebrate every step forward, no matter how small.
Celebrate what you have achieved: rather than always looking forward to what you haven't got as yet. One way to cope with this is to map the changes either through photographs or by keeping a journal. Try to stay focussed on what is happening now and plan for the future, but don't be tyrannised by what will happen. Changing gender cannot make you happy with whom you are as a person. It is certainly something to look forward to, but in the meantime it is more important to be happy with the parts of you that are more valuable, for instance your smile, friends, family, good health, the strength you had to start this process and to see it through, the love and care you give to others...these are going to be far more important in making you the best man or woman you can be.
Be realistic about passing: become a people watcher and practice what you need to know about your new gender. Try to incorporate mannerisms, ways of talking, dress, style etc, slowly and with care. You won't wake up one morning magically transformed into your new gender, and while the hormones and surgery will help you look different, the rest is reliant on your own commitment and hard work. In the early stages you might want to try and pass by going to a different supermarket or by just walking down the street to get used to how it feels. Gradually as you build up confidence and as the hormones take effect it will become easier. Don't expect perfection from day one, you have a whole lifetime of socialisation and experience to undo and it takes time. Go easy on yourself when you make a mistake - they will happen and it isn't the end of the world. When I first started I found it easiest to wait and see how people perceived me and then go from there. This meant that I rarely felt angry at how I was addressed and managed to avoid creating conflict in the various situations I found myself in. While it was frustrating at first I was equally amazed at how quickly things changed and people simply started responding to how I presented myself without question.
Have a few close friends who will tell you the truth and from whom you can hear it: they are worth their weight in gold and can make the transition process so much easier. They can be your "talking mirror" by letting you know how well you are doing and also what isn't working. And if they are willing to help you with your clothes shopping etc., you are more than half way there.
Give your friends a rest: be grateful for their support but don't burden every conversation by centring it on your transgender process. Good friendships are mutual which means that you need to give as well as take. Stay involved in other people's lives around you and remain fully connected to the people who are important to you.
Approach transitioning as an adventure: if you can create an attitude that will enable you to enjoy the process then it is easier for others to enjoy it with you. If all others hear from you is how hard, depressing or soul-destroying the whole thing is then that is how they will encounter it as well. You don't have to lie about how you feel but it is important not to concentrate on only the negative aspects - even if some weeks you have to store up the one positive aspect and keep highlighting it until the tide turns again. Sometimes just changing our own attitude to a situation is all it takes to create a positive outcome. Not all the time but what have you got to lose by giving it a go?
Your new gender will not be nirvana: it will be great, liberating, fun and immensely rewarding but it is not a panacea for all of life's problems. If you don't deal with stuff before you transition then you will certainly have to deal with it later and that may be a lot harder. Besides who wants to start an exciting new phase with old baggage?
Trust your medical/ psych support team: your counsellor, psychologist, endocrinologist etc. all want to help you achieve the best outcome possible. They are not the enemy. At times they may feel like gatekeepers but you will gain much more by walking alongside than by attacking them. They have the collective experience of seeing a wide range of people question their gender and begin a process of reassignment. While it is true that they must try and remain objective and in the end you need their support to access the services, it is equally true that they are also there to ensure you make the an informed and free choice based on a full evaluation of your life, support structures, emotional stability and physical health. If you feel that you really can't trust one or more of them, speak to a member of the team that you feel you can talk with openly. If this doesn't work, talk to others who may have worked with the person concerned, for example you could talk to your local support group coordinator and see how they found the process. If you really can't work with them it may be necessary to change to another professional but bear in mind that this may be difficult in smaller areas and even in a city the number of people qualified to deal with transgendered issues is very small.
Don't be afraid to have doubts: if you didn't have any, there would be something wrong. Vocalise them to someone you trust - either a friend or your counsellor, and let them help you find the way through. It is much easier to deal with a fear if it is out in the open - leaving it to fester in the dark is a sure-fire way to multiply it out of all proportion. Be honest with yourself - if you have fears voice them - don't wait until after surgery to have doubts. Being unsure is perfectly normal: it is not necessarily a sign that you should stop or that you are not transgendered
Don't give up your old life too soon: you need to keep functioning while you get ready to transition. If you drop everything too quickly you may find yourself in a nothing space having not made the move to your new gender yet without the social, emotional and financial support of your previous life. This can be particularly difficult if you leave your job or relationship without setting up the next step. You will need all the money you can get for the transition process so try and stay in your current position as long as possible so long as this doesn't impact negatively on your overall health and well being. This may mean living in your old gender longer than you would ideally wish however six months now is not that long compared to the years you have ahead of you in your new life. Some people choose to change careers or take up further study as a way of making the break from one phase of their lives to another without penalising their future welfare or financial security.
Be prepared to compromise your current lifestyle: gender transition is an expensive process. Even if you are able to access free counselling, psychological assessments, endocrinologists' visits and subsidised hormones through the health system, there are still thousands of dollars to pay for additional psychiatric consultations and surgery. Saving for all of this will require making some economies in your standard of living. Try to plan your work/ career so that you can use sick leave for your second phase of surgeries and not lose out on career progression and/or income - this may mean delaying some surgery but the benefit of not having huge loans or having to worry about how you will eat while you are recovering are worth the cost of waiting a short time longer.
Embrace your past and weave it into your future: who you are now is a cumulative product of all your past experiences, both good and bad. Your previous life provides a wealth of experiences and wisdom that you can draw on in your new gender. Take the lessons and use them to create your new incarnation. Don't fragment your life: the best scenario is that you will end up repeating the same mistakes again, the worst is that you may jeopardise your chances of success.
Try not to fall into stereotypical modes of being male or female: society is constantly evolving and gender is part of this process. While you may want to make a clear break with your previous gender and make a definite statement about who you now are, it is also important to avoid parodies of masculine or feminine models, otherwise you risk looking ridiculous. The key is to relax.
Join a support group: it is important to know that you are not alone in all this. Support groups offer an opportunity to meet other people who are facing the same journey and to learn from their experiences. One word of warning - not everyone who is transgendered is operating from a helpful space - be open to learning from others but keep your own journey and don't get dragged into anyone else's dramas or issues.